A-MUSINGS

Ah (choo), the flu season is once again upon us. All the morning TV shows are abuzz with the latest and greatest recommendations for us to get stung in the arm or swabbed up the nose to prevent the flu. And actually, the vaccination doesn’t preclude us from getting the flu; it only lessens the symptoms if we do get sick.

The U.S. reportedly spends more than $1 billion in research, manufacturing and distribution of flu vaccines for an issue that occurs primarily during one season each year. I’m not saying that the money isn’t warranted or that you shouldn’t get a flu shot (that’s a personal choice). I’m just wondering if money could also be spent on developing vaccines for problems that plague us on a daily basis. How about these?

• Vaccine to Protect Us from Stupid People – How great would it be if we could get a shot and be instantly insulated from reckless drivers, folks who ask dumb questions, or guys who think they are starring in Jackass: The Movie. When we are approached by a someone about to do something idiotic, a giant white corpuscle would descend from the sky and envelope the offending person (think Fantastic Voyage and the demise of the evil Dr. Michaels played by Donald Pleasence).
• Politeness Injection – It fortifies our immune system against rude people. This medicine keeps our blood from curdling when hearing cruel remarks, and helps us ignore clueless staring and oblivious behavior. It would also alter one’s genetics to make smiling easier and cause spontaneous oral eruptions of “please” and “thank you.”  This would be a Health Department requirement for all cashiers at big box stores.
• Heartbreak Immunization – Primarily for teenagers in high school and college, although it could be administered to patients of any age as no one is completely resistant. This literal shot in the arm bolsters self-esteem, strengthens the heart muscle supporting one’s resolve to keep moving forward, and purges the offending heart breaker from the cardiovascular system.
• Technology Patch 2.0– Recommended for all frequent users of computers, PDAs, smart phones and other devices. This topical adhesive patch shields the wearer against a variety of bugs causing frustration, headaches resulting from banging one’s head against a desk and finger fatigue from pounding keyboards. It also eases the desire to assign blame to one’s mother…board. Requires upgrade to 2.1 the following season.
• Bad Decisions Suppository (as a special reminder not to make an a** of ourselves) – Safeguards the patient from engaging in health-compromising activities such as ordering the hot fudge sundae after the five-course meal, substituting super glue for false eyelash adhesive in a pinch, or executing a bicycle jump over three of your closest friends using a homemade, plywood ramp. Added benefits include providing mild clairvoyance to foresee negative outcomes in hopes of redirecting behavior along a more optimal path. 

So as millions of people dutifully march into their doctors’ offices or local pharmacies and roll up their sleeves this flu season, ask yourself, what’s needling you…and feel free to share in the comment box below.